The Kiss, Kiss List

At 18, my friend Debbie and I started a list of every guy we’d ever kissed, with a rating of any decimal between 0-5, (0 being the absolute worst and 5 being the “perfect” kiss.) Debbie, being a mature adult with a life stopped keeping this list at around the age of 22, but my list continued into my 30s. This was only kissing - - nothing more - - and although I would have liked to create an objective scientific scale, the boys were rated from our own personal perspectives.

Here are a few samples from my list:

Brian – 4.5
Chris – 4.7 (Amazing)
Blonde guy at Mardi Gras – 3.6
Rick – 0.2 (Horrid)
A-List Movie Star (name not cleared legally) – 2.5
Dark-haired guy at Mardi Gras – 2.8
Other Brian – 4.0
Barista at Starbucks – 4.2

And so on…

I put this list (which was incidentally written on one piece of yellow paper) in my little, green jewelry box and from time to time, I’d study it to figure out if I could find out just what made a kiss good or bad. Was it how much I liked the guy? No, because I actually didn’t particularly care for the Starbucks guy and he made it above the 4.0 mark. Also, one of my big loves turned out to be an awful kisser. Was it how emotionally excited I was? Couldn’t be, because I was pretty friggin excited about the “movie star” and I found him sloppy and unfocused. Was it the thickness of the lips? Maybe, although most of the great kissers tended to have thin lips (and English square jaws), so I was at a loss.

I was just about to have a breakthrough when my beagle (bless his soul!) somehow opened the jewelry box and ate the kissing-list (along with three necklaces). And just like that, with the exception of a few who I remembered, my kissing memory was erased. It’s probably for the best, as I would hate, if I ever had grandchildren, for them to find my tacky (and somewhat rude) ranking of boy’s mouths. Now I’m just embarrassed that my beagle read the list and thought less of me!

What do you think makes the perfect kiss or is it impossible to define?
Email me!

“I Don’t Love You” Watch

I dated a guy back in the day (let’s call him Willy) who I fell hard for. Didn’t care that he collected dolls (sorry, action figures) or that he would rather watch footage of obscure Japanese horror films than take me out to dinner. He had an adorably impish smile and he made me laugh at least five times a day. I wanted to be with him, despite his often chilly, nerdy disposition and what’s more, I liked the “me” he brought out. We were good friends circling the idea of having a relationship and he always made me damn good martinis. Here’s the catch: every two or three weeks he would declare the following: “I’ve been searching for how I really feel about you and I just need to let you know…I don’t love you yet.” Literally, every ten days that’s what he’d say, “I don’t love you yet.” Now a lot of people, after having been put on “I don’t love you” watch would probably rightfully reply, “Well, then we’re done. Let me know when you love me”. But nope, not me. I decided I’d make him love me. I tried it all: sexy lingerie, “love-drugs”, trying to grasp a better understanding of “Star Trek.” Once, I even bought him his favorite action figure from “Hogan’s Heroes”, (Col. Klink, in case you wondered). But while he certainly liked me, it seemed the more desperate I became, the more love slipped off the table.

You can’t trick someone into loving you. Sure, Col. Klink dolls (really?) and lovey rave-substances may buy you more time, but if someone feels the need to tell you they don’t love you…guess what? They don’t. Willy finally stopped the torture and took me off the “I don’t love you” watch by breaking up with me. I cried for months and he went on to fall in love with someone else (and I eventually did too).

For the record, here’s a list of other stuff that if uttered by your girl or boyfriend on more than one occasion, you might want to re-evaluate your relationship. Aside from “I don’t love you yet”…there’s:

1)“Hey, do you think your sister would like my abs?”
2)“The thing I love about Tom Cruise is…”
3)“So, do you want me to sign you up for gym membership or are you gonna do it?”
4)“You know who you would love? My friend Jon! I think I’m gonna set y’all up.”
5)“Do you mind if I call you “Roger”? (Unless your name is Roger, than I suppose it’s okay).

What’s your “get out now” warning-sentence? Email me and we’ll discuss!

She’s Crazy, He’s a Liar…and I’m Cool with That

I’m Cecily and I’m a drama-queen. I’m impossible to break-up with and even harder to get off the phone. I’m loyal to a fault and although I’m a “pleaser”, I’ve been told I’m also a contrarian. I worry constantly, but will laugh hard when I think something’s funny (and it doesn’t even have to be alternative “edge”.) I’m obsessed with dogs, the Dallas Cowboys and England. These are things I know to be true. The rest, I’m just figuring out as I go along and I started this blog to share my findings and my experiences with one of my biggest crosses to bear: the dating world.

Now I should disclose that a few years ago, my friend Stefanie got me a baby-tee that read, “I don’t care about your blog”. I used to wear it proudly to the Coffee Bean near my apartment and would mostly get stares from annoyed bloggers, one of them being Perez Hilton. No one ever said anything, but I suppose my declaration was a bit off-putting to people who were just trying to tell their story; (or maybe it was because the t-shirt was sleeveless and way too tight?) But having given it some thought, I realize we can all learn something from each other’s stories, even if it is just a blog about cooking your way through the directions on the back of a “Hungry Man” TV dinner. (Note to self: Not a bad idea for a blog).

I wrote She’s Crazy, He’s a Liar, Now What? as a way to move on from the name-calling. Yeah okay, I’ve been called “psycho” and “nut-job”. And yes, admittedly, I’ve called others way worse. I’ve drunk-dialed, stalked, obsessed, ruminated and cried over so many men that I decided it was about time to just accept it and move on. There are doors I wish I hadn’t blocked, actors I wish I hadn’t made out with and tequila I regret shooting. But I did those things and I’ll bet a lot you out there have too. But the things we’ve done or the people we’ve dated thankfully don’t have to define us. We can learn from each choice and try to choose better as we move forward. Or…not…and that’s okay too, because really…we’re all a little crazy. It’s a matter of how our “crazies” match up that predicts if we’ll ultimately get along…(well, that and our tolerance for alcohol).

Readers, I’d love to hear from you. Please feel free to email questions or just say hi to: Shescrazyhesaliar@gmail.com